I was that skinny kid. I remember a photo of me when I was 9 years old. I was so thin that had it not been for the fact that the picture was taken while I was walking and one leg was in front of the other, I may not have been noticed. I never refused to eat. I remember good family dinners and enjoying pizza Fridays at school. I was happy, active and very thin.
I grew up fearless. Life was hard for my family. We didn't have much money, parents got divorced, teen pregnancy with my sister. We had many challenges to overcome but my parents were good and never let me feel like life was hard. It was life. Challenges came. You kept moving.
I always wanted to be a dance teacher so when I was 16, I went and became one. I wanted to own a unique mail order business (before the internet existed), so when I was 17, I went and did it. I requested and received meetings with top business officials and asked the best if I could be their shadow to learn how to do what they do. I did all of this before the age of 18. If I dreamed it, I did it. "Just do it" was the motto I lived by.
As life went on, my ambition came to a stand-still. I tried to recall what happened to change my "just do it" way of life to "I can't find my way". I think of college. I went to school in the big city of Houston, just 3 hours from home. Thankfully my boyfriend came with me and he was driving as we passed through Katy, into the 6 lane, 75 mph traffic of Houston to start the next chapter of our lives. As the cars zoomed past us, I felt uneasy, and scared. There was no way I was going to ever drive on this death trap freeway!
Eventually I had to drive and I got over that fear but I believe it started a chain reaction. For everything on the external begins internal and fear was just beginning to have its way with me.
As time went on and life brought with it heart breaks, job losses, death and loneliness, fears began to compile. My faith was shaken. With each new let down and worry of never being satisfied in a career or panic over never being loved again began to set it, so did the pounds. The more trepidation I felt, the more weight I gained. I tried diets and exercise programs here and there with minimal results. Then one day I got happy. I fell for a man who made me feel beautiful and worthy and the weight melted off. It wasn't solely the man or the happiness that helped me lose the weight, it was releasing the fear that I was never going to be good enough again, but I didn't realize it at the time.
Eventually, that relationship too dissolved and the weight eventually reappeared. My diet was acceptable and I was exercising 3-5 days a week, but I couldn't lose one pound! I never put together the connection until I reminded myself of spiritual law. Forgiveness has never been about giving a gift to the one who harmed us. Forgiveness is for us, so we don't carry the "weight" and burden that does not belong to us.
Fear and bitterness causes us to stiffen up and hold on to whatever is nearby to give us comfort. Although carrying extra weight is never comfortable, maintaining health takes work and it's comfortable to just be idle. Fear labors our breathing and constricts movement. We freeze.
I couldn't figure out why I could not lose the weight until I realized that just like me, my fat cells were living on fear. I have been feeding them fear for years. They were frozen and clinging to any part of my body, mainly my butt and thighs, that would protect them.
We need heat to burn calories and faith to burn out fear. I was determined to lose weight in a new way. Before I exercise, I take a deep breath and visualize every cell from the tip of my toes to the top of my nose and like a game of Tag, one cell of faith would touch the cell of fear and as bright as the sun it would shine and burn away. Faith cannot finish the work when fear is interfering. Fear must be replaced with faith. I remember that fearless girl who took on any challenge. If being fearless doesn't come natural to you, fake it till you make it! Imagine you are that person who does not fear life's challenges. Your subconscious doesn't understand when it is being tricked. Before you know it, you're accomplishing things you rarely imagined.
This is not the craziest diet plan I have ever tried, but I believe I have been reminded of something true. I will refuse to let fear prevent me from being all that God has called me to be. You just might see me someday soon on the "Eliminate Fear, Eliminate Fat" late night infomercial.
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